Tuesday, October 24, 2006

What if the first thing you want to do in the morning is to cry?

What if you wake up in the morning and the very first thing you want to do - is to cry? Does it show that you are weak? Unhappy? Tired? Pessimistic? Depressed?..

That's exactly my morning today.

I came back to Estonia yesterday after spending 10 days in Macedonia facilitating international AIESEC conference for local committee presidents (EuroCo), which was fascinating and enrichning experience. Obviously, I have been tired after such an intensive time. In addition, I have a flu, sneezing and having light fever, as it was a bit cold in Macedonian hotel in some nights and I got cold.

So, I feel physically damaged.

But emotionally as well. I have some troubles in my beloved family. My MC team challenged me a lot during yesterday's evening meeting, where I realized once again that managing a team is damn complicated art and sometimes I am not the artist at his best. My personal life is complicated and thinking about it makes me sad.

Fortunately, I am alone in our "MC apartment" right now and I have possibility to let tears out, if I want. I have possibility to listen to my own music, which I need right now - music is extremely important factor in managing my mood for me.

But let's get back to the first question - what does it mean, if the first thing I want to do in the morning is to cry?

To be honest, I don't feel bad about it at all. I am not depressed, exhausted or whatsoever. I am atill full of energy, commitment and ideas.

I just have hard period. And I am glad that I am having mood like that time-to-time. It means that I am still human being, despite all. Human being who is able to feel and to express his feelings. I love it - if I want to cry, I do it. And I am not afraid of hiding that.

EuroCo was great experience - I managed my things pretty well and definetely influenced several people's lives. That's rewarding feeling.

I had luck to work along with some extremely interesting and just wonderful people. That's real luck, I repeat it again.

I spent 10 days in very beautiful surrondings, where I had chance to eat breakfast outside having view on fantastic lake and mountains. That's enormous beauty.

The view from the terrace of the hotel near Ohrid, Macedonia

I reassured my passions and my strengths. I connected even more to some people who are role-models for me. That's helping me with choosing the path for the future.

I am grateful to the life for all of that. I am grateful to the life for such mornings like today.

The life is good.

The life is beautiful.


Erica Cleofe said...

Hi Deniss,

You are lucky you can cry. I cannot. I am too be strong and sometimes I wish I just can cry...

Here's to more beautiful mornings,

Milda said...

Ah Deniss Deniss... :)

Carry said...

Deniss, honey, I`ll explain to you:

a) u`ve just arrived from a magic place called Macedonia - it is a common practice that after spending some time away from a climate like ours and then coming back people tend to fall into more or less depressive mood.

b) u`ve obviously been very busy for the last few weeks (concentrated activities) and now that u`re back home and one great project is finished, u develop abeyance (scientifically proven).

c) even if none of this happened (u never left Estonia), it would still be normal that u wanted to cry when u look out from the window after waking up in the morning! Everybody who is here right now and looks out of the window, understands. Most of the time it is raining like a madman or the sky is so dark blue that one has to put on all the lights in the room in order to read, write, etc.

d) if things r a bit sh.tty in personal life then u could always pay a visit to ur good friend Carry - friends r "personal life" as well and most of the time they manage to make u feel good (or at least better). Besides, I have some remedy for bad mood (hint: it is pink, it grunts and it likes everything eatable u bring him =)

I really truly hope u don`t fall into despair as u usually manage to find the positive vibrations somehow. Always remember that u r such a terrific, magnificent person! As u said urself - u have changed peoples` lives (mine included) and will do so in the future as well. The world needs u , even with ur tears =)

Deniss Rutsheikov said...

Caroliina, sa oled lihtsalt võrratu! :) Nagu alati.

Aitäh heade sõnade eest! Ei ole tõesti ammu juba kokku saanud - teostame ära :)

For everyone - don't worry, I am not depressed, despaired or anything. As I said, the life is beautiful. And it will be. Being sad and melancholic time-to-time does not make my life any less valuable. It just reminds me that I am human-being with my feelings and emotions! And it makes me feel good.

Kristi said...

all the best to you Deniss. difficult times will only make us stronger and move us forward. you are a fighter and no doubt in my mind you manage things in the best possible way.
take care and many hugs.

Triinu said...

Sometimes tears only demonstrate the beauty and the completeness of life.

I didn't get concerned, when I read your post - I felt glad for you for the experience you described.

And although you know it yourself, I want to tell myself as well - you ARE a great person, and life IS beautiful!!!