Review: Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers

Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers by Gordon Neufeld
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I liked the basic premise of this book: don't leave your kids to mostly socialise with their friends (although it might be tempting for hard-working and tired parents).

The book looks at the parent-child relationship through the lens of the theory of attachment: in order to grow up as self-esteemed and independent individuals, children need safety and predictability provided by the important adults in their lives. Although it might be fun to occasionally be with the friends, the relationships with them are always contingent on pleasing each other, always demanding. Two or more immature individuals cannot give unconditional acceptance to each other.

It was revealing to read this:

"True friendship is not possible until a certain level of maturity has been realised. Until children are capable of true friendship, they really do not need friends, just attachments."

.
The book has several flaws: authors are repeating the same points over and over again, are being constantly nostalgic for "good old days when kids obeyed to their parents" and are trying to persuade via fears of children's violence, disobedience etc.

Nevertheless, it is a very good reminder to parents that we need to preserve our ties to our children and don't easily let them go to our smaller "competitors" as authors put it.

I also found useful the tips from the chapter on discipline:
- Use connection, not separation (such as time-outs), to bring a child into line
- When problems occur, work the relationship, not the incident (“This is not good. We’ll talk about this later.”)
- When things aren’t working for the child, draw out the tears instead of trying to teach a lesson (“I cannot let you do that,” “I know you really wanted this to happen.”)
- Solicit good intentions instead of demanding good behaviour (“I know it isn’t what you wanted to happen.")
- Draw out the mixed feelings instead of trying to stop impulsive behaviour (“We are having such a good time together right now. I remember this morning when you weren’t too happy with me.”)
- When dealing with an impulsive child, try scripting the desired behaviour instead of demanding maturity (“This is the time to use your quiet voice.”)