Sunday, August 08, 2010

I have done terrible mistakes

I often think about it - and it troubles me. In order to get rid of at least part of such troubling thoughts, I'd write about them here. Public confession may make my feeling of guilt smaller.

What troubles me is that I have done terrible mistakes in my life. Well, everyone does them, and nobody is able to live a life without them. But what troubles me the most are those mistakes that have hurt other people. Sometimes it were people who used to be very close to me.

I used to behave in a selfish way.

I used to to say things simply out of vainness, because I enjoyed attention.

I used to be very careless to the feelings of people around me.

I was choosing not to tell some things out of pure self-interest.

I used to say things just because they made me feel I impressed someone, because I wanted to be perceived smart.

I used to behave in such ways for many years, and as long ago as in 2008-2009, after I had gone through tremendous self-discovery process of leadership and taking responsibility for other people.

I regret my behaviour. I regret what I did to some other, very good, people. I wish these people were in the same town as me now - I would just go and meet with them... and say: "I'm sorry". Even though they might not even remember what did I do to them.

A strong wish to do it was provoked by one particular radio documentary from BBC that I listened to a few weeks ago - a story of how a former prison guard at Guantanamo Bay detention centre sought reconciliation with two of his former prisoners. It turned out they were innocent people and were taken as prisoners by the U.S. force by mistake.

I have not been a prison guard, yet I know I did hurt the feelings of some good people. I hope such mistakes will mainly stay in the past (is it ever possible to avoid them?). I hope I will be a better person in the future.

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