To manage my life or to live it?

I am in the period of my life when I don't simply live. I manage.

Of couse, everyone of us manages his/her own life and all parts which constitute it. I have done it eversince I became completely independent from my parents - both regarding decision-making and finances - since about five years ago.

But now I feel that it's far too easy to forget to simply live.

I am the manager of AIESEC country, responsible for one Local Committee and three extension Local Committees - all in four different cities, responsible for the team of four people, responsible for my organisation within international network, responsible for the budget and all financial transactions.

I am the manager of National PR Association of Kazakhstan, responsible for execution of all the work planned for it, responsible for financial transactions and all activities happening there.

I am the manager of part of one business idea with few of my friends. This part of this idea lies solely on me, there is no-one else able to manage it at the moment.

I am the manager of my house - there is no home-owner or some higher institution to say anything to, I have to pay all the bills, clean everything, repair all inconsistencies, communicate with all communal service providers myself.

I am the manager of my food consumption - three times a day, seven days a week I need to prepare something for me to eat, there is no-one to provide me with any food.

I am the manager of my body - being currently sick, I have to take care of myself, while buying and consuming all medicine stuff which I consider as relevant for intake.

I am the manager of my relationships - all people somehow dear to me, expect me to take a role of the manager of the relationships, because I have unconsciously agreed on this role. I need to fulfill these expectations.

But I don't give up. I don't intend to turn my life into practice of management theories, although I need to use their lessons in order to... to manage all of that...

I attended my last big AIESEC conference as a delegate, International Presidents Meeting in Macedonia in the end of February. Interesting observation: there were at least four people who have known me since at least a year ago and who said I looked somehow sad, somehow too calm.

No, I am not sad. It just confirms that I don't show up that much energy and enthusiasm as I used to - I believe I have been known for that in AIESEC for a long time.

My experience in Kazakhstan has changed me. Indeed, I became more pragmatic, less naive, more realistic, more calm.

Nevertheless, although I may not seem that energetic and optimistic anymore, I have not lost my desire to live my life. Not to manage it.

Because everything I do right now - AIESEC, PR Association, business idea development etc - it all makes sence. It all is a part of making my life and surroundings a better place.

All my relationships make sense too. They all are a part of my own universe and I am a part of their universes, because I want to belong there.

My life makes sense. My life is beautiful. And I need to write it here in order not to forget its true meaning.