Wednesday, March 05, 2008

To manage my life or to live it?

I am in the period of my life when I don't simply live. I manage.

Of couse, everyone of us manages his/her own life and all parts which constitute it. I have done it eversince I became completely independent from my parents - both regarding decision-making and finances - since about five years ago.

But now I feel that it's far too easy to forget to simply live.

I am the manager of AIESEC country, responsible for one Local Committee and three extension Local Committees - all in four different cities, responsible for the team of four people, responsible for my organisation within international network, responsible for the budget and all financial transactions.

I am the manager of National PR Association of Kazakhstan, responsible for execution of all the work planned for it, responsible for financial transactions and all activities happening there.

I am the manager of part of one business idea with few of my friends. This part of this idea lies solely on me, there is no-one else able to manage it at the moment.

I am the manager of my house - there is no home-owner or some higher institution to say anything to, I have to pay all the bills, clean everything, repair all inconsistencies, communicate with all communal service providers myself.

I am the manager of my food consumption - three times a day, seven days a week I need to prepare something for me to eat, there is no-one to provide me with any food.

I am the manager of my body - being currently sick, I have to take care of myself, while buying and consuming all medicine stuff which I consider as relevant for intake.

I am the manager of my relationships - all people somehow dear to me, expect me to take a role of the manager of the relationships, because I have unconsciously agreed on this role. I need to fulfill these expectations.

But I don't give up. I don't intend to turn my life into practice of management theories, although I need to use their lessons in order to... to manage all of that...

I attended my last big AIESEC conference as a delegate, International Presidents Meeting in Macedonia in the end of February. Interesting observation: there were at least four people who have known me since at least a year ago and who said I looked somehow sad, somehow too calm.

No, I am not sad. It just confirms that I don't show up that much energy and enthusiasm as I used to - I believe I have been known for that in AIESEC for a long time.

My experience in Kazakhstan has changed me. Indeed, I became more pragmatic, less naive, more realistic, more calm.

Nevertheless, although I may not seem that energetic and optimistic anymore, I have not lost my desire to live my life. Not to manage it.

Because everything I do right now - AIESEC, PR Association, business idea development etc - it all makes sence. It all is a part of making my life and surroundings a better place.

All my relationships make sense too. They all are a part of my own universe and I am a part of their universes, because I want to belong there.

My life makes sense. My life is beautiful. And I need to write it here in order not to forget its true meaning.


Carry said...

Okey, first when I started reading it, I thought to myself: "Oops, Deniss has been overcome by sth that we call "läbipõlemissündroom" in Estonian". Then I read some more and discovered that maybe u just need someone to help you prepare your food 3 times a day, help decide over your medicines when you are sick and take care of you and your house? Could that be the truth? Maybe you are just a little bit lonely in the midst of all these responsibilities...?

Deniss Rutšeikov said...


No, I am not lonely :) Of course, there are certain moments of emotional weakeness sometimes when I feel that I would like to come back to my mom for a while, who would definetely take well care of me.

And yes, indeed, I miss my mother - I have not seen her since 8 months... I am looking forward to see my family. I just realized it this week so strongly.

Carry said...

What about inviting them over? I`m sure they`d appreciate this new experience... =)

Anonymous said...

Nägin sind täna öösel unes, Deniss..

Deniss Rutšeikov said...

Lahe, et keegi mu unes näeb. :)

Huvitav, et ma ise ei juhtu kuigi tihti unenägusid kogeda. Äkki juhtub mul päeva jooksul kõike niivõrd palju, et unes ei jaksa enam mõistus midagi juurde välja mõelda?

Siim said...

Deniss, mina nägin sind ka unes täna! uuh

Siim said...


Deniss Rutšeikov said...

Siim, tänan ilusate sõnade eest :)

Peab tunnistama, et sina küll pole mind öösiti unenägudes külastanud... ;)

Siiri said...