The circle around the dream

The picture on the left is the one I was using during my application for AIESEC International team 2007-2008. I both included it in my written application and used during verbal presentation.

That was the part of my personal brand as AIESEC International candidate. The picture is taken by Marina from Croatia, a former AIESEC-er and highly talented young photographer. This picture symbolizes a dream for me. A dream, which is caught by the person. His personal dream. There a circle around it. He knows, what is his dream now. He knows, why it is his dream. He knows how to get there.

AIESEC International team unites about 24 people from all around the world, who altogether lead AIESEC globally in 100 countries. That's where I was applying and didn't get selected.

My brand didn't work out. There is no circle around my dream right now. I lost election.

Previously, I was loosing mainly on personal level (a lot), but almost never on professional level. I was the best graduate of my high-school, the best-scoring applicant for my faculty, the best graduate of my course, I was leading the show for around 400 people in concert hall of Oslo when I was just 20, I was named the best new member of AIESEC in Tartu, I won all the AIESEC elections beforehand, I was named the best facilitator on AIESEC conference few times, I have gotten many job offers during past few years...

Finally, I got rejected. It's great, because I got to know once again that I have a lot ahead of me to develop. I am not perfect. And I am proud of that. I am proud to write it here. I am damn proud to have been AI Director candidate.

But did I lose? Yes, I lost elections, which I wanted to win. Yes, I lost my photo camera in Egypt, which I really liked and which was present from my parents.

Both of these things are on the same page for me right now. Those are not real losses. Those are the changes in the context, which I have to adapt for.

What is the real loss however, is when a person, somehow dear to you, just disappears. Me and many more people just lose this person forever. One car accident can kill so many dreams...

I feel anger now. And this anger motivates me. Usually, I am motivated by the positive energy. But right now, I have anger incorporated there. I know that it will pass, as I have just too many different emotions inside of me. I know that I will have peace in my mind and sould soon enough.

But right now I just feel that I want to achieve a lot during the rest of my term as a President of AIESEC in Estonia. I will make it the best year so far for my organisation and I will make everything possible that the next year will be even better.

I will make it for the sake of all losses I have experienced recently. All the losses, which make me stronger person.

Not anymore

No jokes. No adventures. No joy. No new experiences. No life. Not anymore.

She just disappeared. Vanished.

With her 20 years of life she left a trace in the lives of many. She would leave even more. But not anymore.

We lost her. As the world is losing thousands like her every day. But we really care just about few ones. The ones, who are close to our hearts.

This time fate stroke one close to me.

But she is not the one I am thinking at the moment. There are two people, whom I would give the whole myself, if I just could. Her parents. What did they lose? The daughter, the part of them, the very reason to live. Where else to find such a reason?

My emotional self is suffering. Just before I lost a hope for the synergy of dreams. Now, some people lost not just a hope, they lost the very possible source of their dreams. Will there be any new dreams for them possible? I really hope so.

I promise that I will find out the new dreams for me. I will fight for realizing them. I will realize them for her, always remembering her.

Answering some questions

Am I living my life as I want to? Are the things, which I am doing, relevant? Wouldn't it be smarter to do something else?

Those are some questions, which pop up to my mind time-to-time. I guess, everyone answers these questions for himself/herself sometimes.

Do you really work for such a salary? Wouldn'it be better to build up your career? Why don't you have time for us?

Those are some questions, which the other people have been asking me.

Recently I wrote two different e-mails to two completely different people. I would quote some parts of them, which ARE the answer to all of these questions.

"My personal vision, which I put into the words, is "Every day of my life, I want to make myself and other people around me smile. I want to make people having smile on their faces because they feel good, because they have a-ha moments, because they feel self-fulfillment. These smiles should be there because of my meaningful activities, my behaviour and my attitude. I follow my personal principles and never refuse of them in any kind of situation".

Working full-time in AIESEC gives me opportunity to put my vision into reality every day. I wake up at 7:15-8:15 and I feel good. Because I know that I am going to AIESEC office and I will be dealing with highly meaningful things. Meaningful for me and for the others."

And another one.

"I feel very empowered and thankful to the God or to the fate or to whatever/whoever that I am doing what I am doing. It's just as simple as it is."

Yesterday I had a meeting with one of our project managers, Kristi, who is managing project with budget over 1.000.000 EEK (more than 70.000 EUR). I am the final responsible for all this money.

The day before yesterday and today I had two meetings with two completely different people, who I am both mentor for. Being a mentor is amazing concept! One of these people pictures himself in the future as entrepreneur and respected specialist. Another one dreams about improving the world and helping as many as she can. Two different dreams. Two different ways. And I have privilige, I have luck, I have blessing to be the one, who is guiding both of them through it. Actually "guiding" means here nothing more than just listening and asking the right questions - no rocket science. But what can be more intime, more personal and more sacred than listening to the vision, dreams and fears of other person? I will repeat - I feel blessed having this opportunity.

Tomorrow I am going to my favourite town in Estonia - Tartu. I will have 7 meetings during one day. All of them are with the members of AIESEC in Tartu. All of them concern completely different topics. But all of them are very important. Am I not lucky having opportunity to have impact on 7 different people during one day?

Last Friday I met with one of our corporate partners represented by ambitious and successful CEO of one company. Having meeting with him for about one hour just re-assured me once more that Estonia has a lot of great people, who are driving our society and our economy.

During past few days I wrote and received e-mails from my colleagues from about 6 different countries, all of whom are leading their AIESEC national chapters. How many people in my age can say that they have colleagues in 96 countries of the world and they know more or less all 96 of them?

Meeting in Rotterdam in December was great. It is funny that I discovered once again that live music can touch me very much, if I really like it. After intensive meetings we went out to some cafes of pubs with my international colleagues in the evenings. Once we went to jazz-cafe and there were live-performances by amateur bands. It was hard to concentrate on conversations around - the music was so beautiful! At one moment I just sat down separately on the other table and listened to performances completely alone. Just me and the sounds of music. World is amazing place to live.

What does it mean to lead a team of 8 people, 4 out of which you see practically every day? It requires a lot of patience, gratitide, inneral strength and understanding. It is similar to growing a tree - you need to be patienet, grateful, strong and understanding in order to wait for the fruits for several years. You can destroy the tree by just one too strong hit. But you can enhance its growth by giving needed vitamines, needed power. The ones, who have been growing trees (I did it with my father long time ago) would probably understand me.

Me with people, who have a big meaning for me at this point of my life

Back from Slovakia, soon to Rotterdam

Along with Mr. Bush's Air Force No.1, there was another plane landing about the same time in Tallinn airport yesterday late evening. It was a plane, which carried me back to Estonia.

I came back from Slovakia, where I was chair at their national conference.

I was chair before, but it was the biggest conference for me as a chair. And it was excellent! It was successful conference, where people were actually crying in the closing plenary. It was emotionally very high event.

And I had opportunity to influence it all - imagine that you are actually able to influence the mood, the energy, the learning process of around 120 people at the same time! I am thankful for such an experience. I am also thankful for the great chance to work with excellent people from our facilitators's team that me and Zuzka, a conference manager, were leading.

Faci team of Autumn Conference 2006 in Slovakia

One of the best moments there was an election of new President of AIESEC in Slovakia. They had three candidates. Three people, who dared to stand out from the others and say loud, what they had to say to everyone.

The right person got elected. And I was so proud seeing all three of them going for that, making speeches, answering questions. Because I went through similar experience about 9-10 months ago.

In about 1,5 weeks am going to Rotterdam, where I will be one of 10 people from all around the globe, who are going to work along with AIESEC International in Global Steering Team. We will be discussing global strategies and global solutions for all our nearly 100 countries in the network.

That's kind of experience, which few people in my age can have. That's kind of experience AIESEC is offering to me.

That everything is cool, of course. AIESEC is really great.

But today I called to my parents, because they have their wedding anniversary today. After 7 minutes of speaking to my mother I just realized once again - there is nothing more important right now in my life than my parents for me. People who raised me as I am. People, whom I owe everything I have.

When we feel like doing something good

"Kui mõnikord tekib tunne, et tahaks teha midagi head, siis kasuta neid hetki"
("When sometimes you get the feeling that you want to do something good, use these moments")

This is the slogan of Heateo Sihtasutus (Charities Foundation) [www.heategu.ee] - Estonian non-for-profit organisation that attracts me very much with its mission and the means it executes its mission. Majority of its workers are AIESEC alumni.

Today I had chance to be present in roundtable of Estonian organisations which are dealing with development of leaders. AIESEC is one of the founding organisations (along with JCI, Junior Achievement, Rotary and Invicta) of the roundtable that I personally have big hopes in.

We spoke about how to transmit good idea to the society. Good idea like need for development of leadership skills in people of all ages.

Founder and head of Heateo Sihtasutus, Artur Taevere, inspired me with his understanding of things, his passion and his determination. He is just about 26, but he managed to make his NGO to be one of the best-known in Estonia with just 3,5 years by simply doing something good for the others.

He told that in order to transmit good idea to the others, you need four things (simple and obvious, but they tend to be forgotten far too often):
1) Good idea is not enough, you have to have one leader, who will execute the idea and who will have good nerve not to "jump out of the train"
2) Idea (message) should surprise, should have ahhaaa moment inside.
3) Idea should be important or deal with inescapable problem
4) Idea has to have external supporters

I will try not to forget these four simple rules, when I will start to execure my own good ideas in the future.

What if the first thing you want to do in the morning is to cry?

What if you wake up in the morning and the very first thing you want to do - is to cry? Does it show that you are weak? Unhappy? Tired? Pessimistic? Depressed?..

That's exactly my morning today.

I came back to Estonia yesterday after spending 10 days in Macedonia facilitating international AIESEC conference for local committee presidents (EuroCo), which was fascinating and enrichning experience. Obviously, I have been tired after such an intensive time. In addition, I have a flu, sneezing and having light fever, as it was a bit cold in Macedonian hotel in some nights and I got cold.

So, I feel physically damaged.

But emotionally as well. I have some troubles in my beloved family. My MC team challenged me a lot during yesterday's evening meeting, where I realized once again that managing a team is damn complicated art and sometimes I am not the artist at his best. My personal life is complicated and thinking about it makes me sad.

Fortunately, I am alone in our "MC apartment" right now and I have possibility to let tears out, if I want. I have possibility to listen to my own music, which I need right now - music is extremely important factor in managing my mood for me.

But let's get back to the first question - what does it mean, if the first thing I want to do in the morning is to cry?

To be honest, I don't feel bad about it at all. I am not depressed, exhausted or whatsoever. I am atill full of energy, commitment and ideas.

I just have hard period. And I am glad that I am having mood like that time-to-time. It means that I am still human being, despite all. Human being who is able to feel and to express his feelings. I love it - if I want to cry, I do it. And I am not afraid of hiding that.

EuroCo was great experience - I managed my things pretty well and definetely influenced several people's lives. That's rewarding feeling.

I had luck to work along with some extremely interesting and just wonderful people. That's real luck, I repeat it again.

I spent 10 days in very beautiful surrondings, where I had chance to eat breakfast outside having view on fantastic lake and mountains. That's enormous beauty.

The view from the terrace of the hotel near Ohrid, Macedonia

I reassured my passions and my strengths. I connected even more to some people who are role-models for me. That's helping me with choosing the path for the future.

I am grateful to the life for all of that. I am grateful to the life for such mornings like today.

The life is good.

The life is beautiful.

I have fun!

How many of us are using alarm clock to wake up? I guess, quite a vast majority...

What is our first thought, when we hear the sound of alarm? Something like "Oh, not again...", "Please, some few more minutes...", "Why do I have this lecture today so early?", "Right now I hate my boss even more...".

But how many of us think something like "All right! One more day full of challenges and new learning experiences!"?

There is no statistics about it, I guess. Anyway, I belong to the second group (with some days being exceptions, of course) :)

You must have fun. In whatever you do. That's so obvious.

However, recently I have had talks with several people of the same age (some of them my former class-mates, some of them former university-mates). We were talking about who is doing what etc.

Many of them have quite stable job, some of them have apartment, they attend sports or dances trainings in the evenings. They are O.K. But I have not noticed that they would mention having fun.

And that's why I have egocentrically used this information to boost my ego. Because I realized once more that I am damn happy, because I have so much fun! Constantly.

I admit, there is a lot of problems in my life, like in everyone's life. But hey, am I sleeping in the street, am I suffering from disease, am I so poor that I don't have money to have proper food, am I threatened to be killed because of civil war?! No, I am bloody not!

My AIESEC work and my Euroopa Noored work, my friends and my family, my readings and my thoughts, my Estonia and my world - there is so many possibilities to have fun everywhere!

Only thing needed for it - you have to find the right people to do it with.

One example is my AIESEC MC team. We know how to have fun. And that's what I love about my team. Estonian delegation rocked on IC (International Congress of AIESEC in Poland in the end of August). For example, guys were dressed like big Spounge Bobs and girls like Cat-Women on one party :)

I am the one on very left :)

IC was great experience. One of the best things was to see old friends, of course. My dear Split people - Andrijana, Irma and Vice - they woke me up at 3 am to say hello and drink something with me. I woke up and was really happy to see them again even so late :)

And I saw some great AIESEC people from LC TU Berlin - Lars, Seba and others - who accompanied me during my internship there. I have not seen them for exactly one year!

Not to menton my other friends and colleagues from all around the world, who I had chance to speak, dance and laugh with. That was a good fun ;)

Have fun!

The countries I have visited in Europe: